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PhilosophyCenter | Musings

Turning Down the Volume

I’ve suffered greatly in my life.
Most of what I suffered never happened.
| Anonymous

Turning Down the Volume

The ancient Stoics understood that happiness depends not on what happens to us but on how we meet what happens. This crucial distinction in the great experiment of living what the Greeks called “the good life” arguably anticipated the revolutionary work of Immanuel Kant and subsequently, the discovery of quantum entanglement—the idea that the world of objects and events is informed by us at a deep level of our consciousness, and thus does not exist “objectively” in the traditional sense of independently of us, that the experience is a priori shaped by the experiencer. Along these lines, Anaïs Nin writes, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

To the philosophically uninitiated, the Stoics, Kant, and quantum entanglement may seem far removed from everyday problems and concerns, but it takes no formal training in philosophy to understand that what one person suffers as setback or defeat, another will experience as direction, instruction, perhaps even the opportunity to rise to the occasion and prevail. Adversity calls us to courage, resilience, and perseverance, and it is often in enduring the worst that we discover the best in ourselves.

What accounts for this difference? Is it temperament? Mindset? Genetic predisposition? Luck? Why, when facing a serious illness or other crisis, will some succumb while others rally their resources and recover? What impact do our beliefs and assumptions have on the outcome? Can they beat the odds dealt by the hand of fate—and if so, how?

During a philosophical counseling session, I listen not just to what the client says but also to how he or she says it. This requires a dual awareness that is simultaneously focused and expanded, which allows me to attend to form as well as content. Most of the direction for the session comes from this formal depth through, surfacing in such elements as pace, implications, tone, asides, and so on. Of these, one of the most revealing is the “volume” of dramatic charge, i.e., whether the client’s assessment or reaction to a situation is proportionate or exaggerated. Sometimes, the client is habituated to high level of drama, often characterized by a readiness to blame others, adopt a victim stance, or play the rescuer. Drama, of course, is predicated on conflict, so someone with a need for a lot of drama is always having to put out one fire or another and consequently may come to feel that fate is going out of its way to make life hard, that he or she can’t catch a break, and so on, which adds another layer of drama, and so on. Once the client is aware of this unwitting commitment to drama, it becomes possible to interrupt the self-escalating cycle, turn down the volume, and refuse the old inner promptings. The rush of whitewater emotion that used to trigger constriction, doom thinking, and overreaction abates, and situations become what they always were, nothing more.

Living with the volume cranked up to level ten is so exhausting, we may wonder why anyone would be willing to live in the constricted state of perpetual dramatizing. But we need to remember here that the histrionic stance is as a rule unwitting. “Drama queens” believe and so experience that the intensity of the relentless conflicts that seem to dog them is not of their own making. Because they do not see the decisive part they are playing in causing and perpetuating their suffering, it seems to them to be “out there,” objective, a feature of reality, and they often feel that life has singled them out for misfortune. Jung tells us that what we do not bring into conscious awareness always seems to come to us as fate. Through the willingness to examine unexamined assumptions, we come to see that the hands about our throat were our own, that nothing was doing anything to us, that we were doing it to ourselves all along, and that life had no choice but to fulfill our requirements.